There to two different sets of meeting notes offered here for this month's important topic:
I Will Wait For You
and
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places ­ And Learning to Look in the Right Ones

I Will Wait For You

(These notes were compiled for females, however, they may be easily reworded for males.)

Opening Activity: Give each person attending the meeting two sheets of paper. The two sheets may be different colors for effect, but it is not necessary. Ask each person on the first sheet to write ten or so adjectives that describes themselves. After a couple of minutes ask them to write the qualities that they would desire in the person that they would ultimately marry, their future spouse. Ask them to put aside their two sheets for another activity later during the meeting. Finally, have each person glue their two sheets of paper together. Make sure that the two sheets are really stuck together.

Meeting Notes: "I will wait for you." What does that mean to you? Wait? For what? For Whom? Many of you know people who for one reason or another have sworn not to have sex until they are married. And you probably have friends who will become or have already become mothers before graduating from high school. And from the two mentioned extremes, you know a lot of people who fall somewhere in between.

It seems, sometimes, that everywhere you turn there's mention of sex. Music, movies, news, politics, television, school hallways - it seems that sex is the popular topic of the day. You may have noticed that a lot of people do not expect teenagers to have any sort of standards. You have been told, after all, that "you are going to do it anyway; young people are just simply hormone driven." The truth of the matter is that teens are turning in droves away from the sexual revolution. More and more young people are adhering to the "conventional" wisdom of waiting for marriage.

What about you? Will you wait? Sure, you have heard it all before; the reasons why you shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. The most obvious reason is because of health concerns. Let's see, there's AIDS, of course, and other sexually transmitted diseases like syphilis and gonorrhea. It seems that with so much information about safe sex, the true horrors and difficulties in dealing with these diseases often gets glossed over. It is important above all to note that there has never been a cure for viral infections. Ever. There are medicines to help manage symptoms, but viral infections are for a lifetime.

And then there is always that possibility that you could get pregnant. But, then again, abortion is legal; at least there is a way out of that problem. Obviously, I am being flippant about this very serious issue of abortion. Abortion, however, is often presented as a simple solution to the problem of unplanned pregnancy.

Though it's talked about least of all, the complications and implications of having an abortion can be very devastating. Most people are unaware of the thousands of women who deal with very serious depression following abortions, oftentimes for up to twenty and thirty years after the incident, and it is not emphasized enough the number of women who desperately desire to have children once they have married, only to find that they cannot conceive due to scar tissue from the curettage (scraping) and other complications stemming from their abortions.

The risks of diseases, unplanned pregnancy, or even abortion are pretty somber reasons to adopt the discipline and, often times, courage that it takes to wait until marriage. But these are really not the best reasons. My prayer for you is that you will incline your heart to hear what God has to say about these matters. After all, he created you. He knows us better than we know ourselves.

And guess what else God created? God created sex! The Song of Solomon, from the Bible (yes, THE Bible) celebrates the emotional and physical aspects of love. God is not a cosmic killjoy. He made man and woman FOR each other. Indeed, the book of Genesis tells us that after He created Adam "The Lord God said,'It is not good for the man to be alone.'" (Gen 2:18)

God has exalted the relationship of marriage between a man and a woman as the most important relationship of all. He must deem it important since He constantly refers to His relationship with us through His Son, Jesus, as a marriage.

But God wants us to wait and save this gift of sex for marriage. This may seem old-fashioned but God's ways are constant. God, because He is God and cannot by definition, "change with the times". Think about it, if God ever changed in character it would mean that His former character was wrong. Any god who was formally wrong is not a God at all. We cannot make God, or the Bible adjust to the millennium. We, in the millennium, must hold steadfast to God's never changing standards.

Matthew 5:8 says, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." It is evident that God wants us to be pure. But we often misunderstand that He holds us to high standards, not for His sake, but rather for our own sakes, for our protection.

God designed sex so that two people could become one in essence. Genesis 2:24 says, "…a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." It must be noted, however, that oneness definitely happens with sexual activity, whether it is in marriage or apart from marriage.

Let's take a look at a visual example. Look at your two sheets of paper that you glued together.

Where there was once two papers, there now is one. The strengths of one paper becomes the strengths of the other, likewise with the weaknesses. The two sheets of paper represent a relationship in which two people become one. With the covenant promises of a lifelong marriage, ordained and blessed by God, this bond becomes very strong. But what if there is no solid marriage commitment made? Two have become one, but inevitably, the "one" must come apart.

Have you ever tried to pull apart two sheets of paper that were glued together? There is no severance that can occur without damage to both papers. If your papers have bonded, try to separate them now.

What has happened to your papers when they "broke up"? Both papers are ripped and scarred. Neither paper represents what they once were. The scars are the heartbreak that follows when we justify that our way is better than God's way. The bible calls this, simply, sin. The guilt of sin often makes us realize that God truly has our best interest at heart when He requires a high moral standard for us.

Look at your papers again. What if a piece of paper is glued, torn apart, and glued several times over? What if a person has many sexual partners? You become one with your sexual partner and every other sexual partner that he has ever had. This is why it hurts so much when a relationship, especially a physical relationship is severed…

God loves you so and jealously looks after His bride. He desires purity for your protection. And only He can help you to maintain your purity in times of temptation. Ask Him. He will help you.

You are constantly being bombarded with messages about safe sex. Safe sex? Is there "safe glue" for two pieces of paper? When you do not guard your heart, pieces of you are taken away. Let's take a look at a final visual example.

(Have a beautiful rose in full bloom for this.) Every time you give yourself away, physically and emotionally, a "petal" is taken from you.

(Pluck a single petal, let it fall to the floor, say aloud the words in quotes.) "I love you." (Pluck again.) "I really love you. " (Pluck) " I really love you." (Pluck.) " I truly LOVE you." (Pluck.) "He said he loved me!" (Pluck.) "If you loved me you would." (Pluck.) "We are going to get married any way." (Pluck.) "It was the heat of the moment." (Pluck.) "I was following my heart." (Pluck.) "Everyone's doing it." (Pluck.) I want to make sure I know what I'm doing when I get married." (Pluck.) "But, I need you." (Pluck.) "We've been together for six months." (Pluck.) "Seven months." (Pluck.) "Eight." (Pluck.) "Nine." (Pluck) "A whole year." (Pluck.) "I was drunk." (Pluck.) "Just because I wanted to…" (Pluck.)

The excuses begin to ring pretty hollow, don't they? But take a look at the rose. Or what is left of it. (Hold up the rose.) Can the petals be glued back on? Even if a glue gun is used, what will remain of the rose will not be very pretty. What if this represented you?

"May I present to you, Sir, your bride…" There is a beauty to oneness designed by God. He wants us to be a pure and beautiful bride, as beautiful as a rose in full bloom. (Have another rose, not plucked of it's beauty, to look at.) Which rose would you have be presented to your beloved on your wedding day?

"I will wait for you" is the topic of this night's meeting. There is a benefit to self control and patience. If we are patient, and living by God's Spirit, He will have time to teach us about true and Godly love.

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres. Love does not fail." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Take action:

1. If you sense that God is prompting you to make a commitment to purity, write out your commitment as a prayer to Him. Ask Him to give you the strength to keep your commitment. It is important for you to make your commitment known to a parent (they can truly be your strongest allies) or a dear friend. This will help to keep you accountable.

2. If you are dating someone (or considering dating someone), is important for you to examine your motives for doing so. Be honest. Are you dating because he's cute? It makes you popular? Afraid to be alone? Bored? Is your dating relationship defined by wanting to better your boyfriend's (existing) relationship to Jesus? Does your boyfriend help or hurt your relationship with Jesus? Is your relationship resembling the biblical (1Corinthians) definition of love?

Depending on how you answered the questions above. You may need to prayerfully consider ending your relationship. I realize that saying this is a lot easier said then done. I pray that if God is tugging your heartstrings in response to these questions, that you will truly seek his will for your life right now. Remember if He is asking you to give up a relationship now, He will be able to prepare your heart fully for the marriage relationship he has for your future. It is of utmost importance for you to guard your heart, even if it means giving up dating altogether.

3. Perhaps you have already gone too far and you are grieving your loss of purity. It is important for you to know that nothing delights God more than for us to turn away from our own selfish ways and adopt His pure and perfect ways. Only through His son, Jesus, can we be made new again. First John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.." If you agree with God that your way has been imperfect, ask for His forgiveness, and ask for His help to live your life according to His will, He will begin to work wonders in your life. Make a new commitment to purity. (See above.)

4. If you have had an abortion, the above applies to you. It is also important for you to know that there is help for a hurting heart. Please contact a Crisis Pregnancy Center (yellow pages) and inquire about post abortion counseling. Your anonymity will be respected and you can begin a journey of healing.

February Meeting Notes, "I Will Wait For You", compiled by Terri Williams.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places ­ And Learning to Look in the Right Ones

Writer’s Note: I am Youth Minister and Liturgical Dance/Signing Director at Highlands Christian Church. My ordination (with a great deal of dancing, signing, and singing) is planned for January 2001. In my earlier life, I also have a teaching degree and 15 years experience in Secondary education and tutoring “at risk” youth. I have been counseling youth camps with a premiere Christian spirituality and sexuality educator for youth for the last three years. Much of this is my personal adaptation of work under her. She calls the youth to examine “God’s Plan” and not just live in the world for today. I hope you will do the same. If you are interested in her workshops contact me for further information.

You will need to modify this significantly is you work with youth under 13!

Genesis 1:26-31; 2:18-25. Luke 5:12-13; Mark 12:30-31; Luke 22:19;

• I.. Facing the realities of teen life today.
• II. God’s Plan for Love and Intimacy
• III. Evaluating Relationships
• IV. Making a Covenant -- decisions and accountability

I. Let’s face the realities of teen life today head on ­
Teens, on the whole, are dating and getting sexually involved at an earlier age. Teens who start one-on-one dating (with or without a car) or meet in one-on-one situations that are not chaperoned by a responsible adult before the age of 15 are significantly more likely to have sexual relations within the first two years of dating and be pregnant before they turn 18. Parents can prohibit some activities, but the teens must learn that they need to stay out of situations with results they don’t want. Sex leads to pregnancy and the tough alternatives of parenting responsibilities, abortion, or giving up your child for adoption. Or, maybe you don’t get pregnant, but you find that your partner has a sexually transmitted disease and you spend six months to three years waiting to see if you contracted it on that one “slip” you made. If you don’t want to make these life altering choices, don’t have the young dating that leads to these situations. God calls us to loving, responsible living.

Teens are afraid, confused, and constantly being sexually stimulated by the mixed messages of church, school, product advertising, and peer groups. Yes, even some of the “moves” promoted by dance groups are grounded in sexual innuendo ­ that is not accidental. Take time to admit to the youth that you were there, too. It is a hard time and their decisions are important to their lives. When we have the confusing situations we need to turn to God for love and support in making the right choices and sticking with them.

Teens are constantly being sexually stimulated. PG-13 movies such as "Down to You" that seem to be OK, are filled with passive, positive, or glorified images that promote “hangin’ around with” people who do drugs and have casual sex with multiple partners. It’s a real “join the club and party” atmosphere that helps the teens escape from the tensions of growing up, offers a way to be included and be “one of the gang”, gives something to talk about around the water fountain, and an alternative to the hum-drum, day-to-day life. The problem is ­ once it’s done, they find out that it’s not all that great, that teen commitments are short, and that, if their self-image was bad, now it’s worse. God wants us happy and healthy and whole ­ “in the image of God they were made.”

II. Teens do not know God’s Plan for Sexual Intimacy unless we tell and retell them.
They think that we are saying, “Sex is bad!” or Sex is good!” (The pendulum swing theory of sex is followed by “I’m good” or “I’m bad” being defined by sexual experiences and partners.) We need to avoid the simple and tell them that “Sex is very good ­ not just temporarily stimulating like in the movies ­ in God’s Loving Plan.” [Most girls don’t want to hear this in public from their parents so keep this short if your daughter is there.] Then we need to help them understand what that plan is. God wants us to know love, real love. You might reflect on 1 Corinthian 13 ­ it’s overused sometimes, but it calls for reflection ­ especially for the girls that have no previous Bible study and only hear this at weddings. Reflect on how these are true of friendships as well and how important that we build strong friendships if we want lasting, loving relationships.

III. Sometimes we have a hard time looking at relationships ­ especially our own.
It helps if we look at other relationships and then reflect on our. Frequently, teens say they want a healthy relationship, but they are more interested in “love” as it is portrayed in the sexual intimacy in the media and in the school halls. Stress that God intends us to have happy, healthy, whole lives. God loves us.

So, we need to step back and remember what healthy relationships are ­ and are NOT. We need to teach our teens to be (1) honest and (2) accountable for their actions. They need positive role models ­ be one! They need mature Christian friends ­ be one! Don’t try to be a counselor! If they need additional help, have resources to give them the help they need. If you try to be the counselor, you will most likely keep them in the problem and become part of it. That is ­ you will go down with the ship, not save it.

Some teens are more likely to become active young and to fall into relationships that are abusive. We can’t stop them, but we can help them see what is going on, maybe help them prevent it, and help them get the help they need to get out and stay out. It’s hard work to change bad habits and low self-esteem that leads to unhealthy relationships. People in them don’t want to admit that the person who “loves” them and who they “love” is the person who is hurting them and keeping them from their friends and family.

Try talking about a couple they think is healthy and happy first. Then help them see the negative dependancies in other teens. They may realize that some of the unhealthy characteristics apply to themselves or their friends or family. Be ready with the number of a counselor(s) in case something comes up.

Here are some questions to ask to determine if a relationship is unhealthy.

• Does your partner or date push, shove, slap, bite, kick, or choke you? hit, punch, or throw objects at you?
• subject you to reckless driving or lock you in the car?
• refuse to help when you are sick?
• threaten you with a weapon or rape?
• are you afraid or fearful of the next assault?
• wonder if it will get worse?
• Physical or Emotional Abuse?
• Does your partner or date ignore your feelings or try to manipulate your feelings?
• ridicule, or insult members of you sex as a group?
• insult your family or friends?
• continually criticize you, call you names, shout at you?
• question your intelligence or physical appearance?
• try to make all your decisions or control your actions?
• refuse to socialize with you or allow you to be with friends and family alone?
• repeatedly tell you about romantic involvements with others?
• use approval or affection as punishment?
• manipulate you with lies and contradictions? do you doubt your own judgment?
• do you fear doing the “wrong” thing?
• see others less and less frequently?
• Sexual Abuse?
• Does your partner tell jokes or make demeaning remarks about members of your sex?
• call you “bad” sexual names?
• force you into any uncomfortable touching or acts?

(This list gets long and graphic. If you suspect sexual abuse from these questions, get help from a school counselor or youth minister of the same sex. Do NOT put a young male youth worker in the position of working with young women.)

Most of us expect that abuse is male to female ­ experience has shown me that young women are taking either aggressive or manipulative roles in many relationships. This pattern needs to be turned around. Help them see when they are in relationships that they are feeding with abusive behaviors. It is not OK to hurt men and boys!

IV. You might make a pledge to help each other to stay in healthy relationships.
This might include girls night out to keep contact and having phone numbers to call at crisis times for advice. The Yellow Ribbon web site for teen suicide prevention is also good for dealing with problems before they get to that point.

February Meeting Notes, "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places ­ And Learning to Look in the Right Ones", compiled by Sharmin DeMoss, scmd@mciworld.com