The Many Definitions of Friendship

Introduction: What does friendship mean to me? Who are my true friends?

*Write your definition of friendship, and share it with others. Write the names of your friends from childhood to the present. Note how easily you remember those special people in your life.

God commissions us to "Love each other as I have loved you." John15:12 NIV The value that God puts on our love for others is shown throughout the Bible. We are shown how to love others through the examples He gave us in His Word. Rebecca Barlow Jordon explained God's value of the love of others when she wrote, "Because God loves me deeply, forgives me totally, and accepts me unconditionally, I have value and worth as a child of His. I can rest in His perfection, knowing that nothing I do can change God's love for me. The knowledge that He loves me frees me to value others in the same way God values me."

From the various lingos throughout the world, friendship has become a global term. We read about the friendships of countries through alliances and commerce and we hear about the friendships of companies which merge to form giant conglomerates. What does true friendship mean?

The Greek philosopher Aristotle said we choose friends who are useful to us, friends whose company we enjoy, friends whose qualities we admire and who admire us in return.

Our personal definitions of friendship is like defining "love". Everyone has her own definition. "Friends," according to the International Standard Teen Study Bible, "are those who know, like and trust one another; those who support and sympathize."

*Write how friends have supported you throughout your lifetime. Recall major times in your life that were made easier because of a friend. Write their names and share one of the experiences if you feel comfortable about it.

There are many friendship levels. Consider the people you call "friends" for a moment; if you were given the task to categorize them, where would you place them? With a little time, you would be able to identify the "close" friends and the casual friends. There is almost a sacred definition for our Best Friend, and we reserve that place in our hearts for very few. When we think about our friends, we recall the people who have made the most impact on our lives.

Childhood friends always seem to stay in our memories. The little girls and boys who share our happiness at the beginning of our lives share a certain passage. As research for this article, I asked adult educators the question "Who was your best friend when you a little boy or girl five or six years old?" Their answers came without hesitation. Those answers always came with a big smile and usually an anecdote.

*Who was your best friend when you were a little child of five or six? Write their names down and where they are today? Have you kept in contact with them over the years? Are you curious where they are now?

Next are the preteen and teenage year school friends who double-date with you, are on the dance team, band, honor society, sports team, etc.who share special memories for you as everyone experiences those teenage years. These also include your church friends, school friends, summer camp friends, family trip friends, and pen pals you meet at parties or in this age of high tech, e-mail pals. We move to the friends you made (or will make, depending on where you are in your life) in college or in the work force of your early adult life who will share those dreams of greatness and listen to you describe lofty ideals about life and why we're here in the first place. Finally, you will have those friends of your adult life. These are usually share the same goals, have children of the same ages, and have similar lifestyles. As mobile as society is today, you might make hundreds of friends in your lifetime. My family has hundreds of photos which record those friendships for me. Picture taking is a great hobby and will yield countless hours of fond memories. The friends you hold most dear and the friendships that will endure throughout your entire life are those that touch a place in your heart. Of course, these most special friends may come from any time period in your life, but chances are, you will only call a small number True Friends. If asked who our true friends are, we usually name the current friends first, then the ones we knew as children or teens. "Best Friends Forever"...isn't that how we sign our yearbook?

What does this honor of True Friends mean? Does Best Friends Forever include many or just a few? In ranking acquaintances, I believe that there are three basic categories of friendship. Casual, Intimate, and the Ultimate.The casual are those with whom you have become acquainted, but not ones you would invite to Christmas Dinner. They're not the friends who'd join you on a shopping/golfing/hunting, etc. spree, or the ones you'd name for the "what if you were stranded on a deserted island?" query. You see casual friends at work or school, or speak to them in a casual manner, but you may not actively seek their company. Some may get into your space, but will never be privy to your inner thoughts and feelings. You wait to share those with the next category- Intimate friends.

*Write the names of some of your casual friends.

Intimate friends: They are your closest, most-trusted friends with whom you feel you could share anything. Intimate friends are the ones with whom you spend your "free time". You can talk to them on the telephone every day and enjoy visiting until the wee hours of the morning. They're the ones you call to go shopping, dining, hunting, fishing, golfing, the movies, etc. They're the friends that can drop by your house at any time and be welcome. They accept you-just like you are. They support you when they don't understand you, and will hold a mirror up for you to see yourself while waiting to catch you when you're falling. In this world, intimate friends are the best. Intimate friends should be lifetime partner prospects. If you do not consider that boyfriend or girlfriend an intimate friend with whom you could share your highs and lows and be accepted and encouraged in both incidents, you might reconsider that partner arrangement. God has sanctioned marriage as the most important union of two humans, and He admonishes us to choose carefully. We must consider God's plan for our lives before we make a final commitment to a lifetime partner.

It's true that sometimes we allow the casual friends to be in "our space" especially in sports or daily activities which do not require commitment or too much sharing; but in this busy day and age, we tend to choose our free time partners very carefully, and the majority of our friend choices is made in favor of those intimate friends.

*Write the names of your intimate friends. In your mind and your heart, are any of them ones you'd consider as a lifetime partner? If you have a lifetime partner, does he/she fit in your intimate friend category? If not, what can you do to place them in that category?

Friendship is a gift from God, and the Bible has many examples of true friendship and the qualities friendship should include. Consider the issues: trust, sharing, respect and honor, devotion, commitment, and steadfast, unchanging love.

How important is it to trust people you call your friends? Judges 9 raises the question by describing the relationship between Abimelech and the citizens of Shechem, who plotted together to make him king. The story makes it very clear that people who get together to do wrong can't trust each other. True friendship is different. It's not based on doing wrong together; it's based on caring. As friendship deepens, friends share and learn that they can trust each other. What keeps you and your friends together? Can you trust them? Abimelech's "friends" weren't really friends. Are yours? (NIV Teen Study Bible).

*Write the name of a friend(s) whom you truly feel you can trust.

True friends feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, dreams, and the desires of their hearts. They are also able to share grief and shoulder each other's burdens. Many examples in the Bible tell of a situation of grief where true friendship comforts. 2 Kings 4 tells the story of a woman in Shunem who had only one son. When he died, she went to find Elisha the prophet. When she found him, she told him about her son was dead, and Elisha shared her grief because they were very close friends.

*Write the name of a friend with whom you have shared a special time of grief or distress.

The beautiful book of Ruth tells of the love and dedication Ruth had for her Mother-in-law, Naomi. The story reveals Ruth's respect and honor and devotion to Naomi as it tells of Ruth's desire to stay with Naomi, even after the death of Ruth's husband. This love and dedication was blessed by God as He gave Ruth a new life with Boaz. Naomi remained a part of Ruth's family for the rest of her life. (Ruth 1) Another example of devotion is seen in the story of Jonathan and David. How different their lives were, but what close friends they became. The love and devotion they shared for each other epitomizes friendship. Jonathan had wealth and 4. power, but he risked everything, even his own life, when David's life was in danger. (1 Samuel 18-20, 2 Samuel 1: 7-27.)

*Write the name of a friend who has taken a risk because of you or who has shown devotion in some other way.

In addition to devotion, the relationship between Mary, Martha, Lazarus and Jesus is a perfect picture of commitment. Mary, Martha and Lazarus were among Jesus' most beloved friends and they were committed to Him and to His ministry. They understood who He was and they loved Him as their Savior and as their Friend. Jesus also loved them, and it was so evident when He was visibly moved to tears upon hearing of Lazarus' death. Jesus knew He had the power to raise Lazarus back to life, but his human bond of friendship was so strong that Jesus was moved when Lazarus died. John 11 tells about the relationship and the close devotion of Jesus to their family and their devotion to Him. Another example of commitment is the story of Paul and Priscilla and Aquila. In Romans 16: 3-4, the Bible shows that as Paul traveled far from his own home and was ever mindful of his duties to the Lord's work. He remembered his friends, Priscilla and Aquila and blessed them for their help and friendship toward him. In the life of Daniel, it is very plain to the reader of the Bible, that Daniel was moved by the steadfast commitment of his friends Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego to the sovereignty Lord which Daniel shared with them as his friends. (Daniel 2: 46-49, 3: 1-30).

*Write the name of a friend who has fulfilled a commitment to you, and how your friendship was strengthened by it.

The steadfast and unchanging love that true friendship offers is mentioned throughout the Bible. Its value is seen in the book of Proverbs when we read the following passages, "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly." Proverbs 18:24. "There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."Proverbs 18: 27. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." Proverbs 27:6. "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." Proverbs 27:17. Jesus proved the supreme sacrifice for his friends. He explained "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13. (KJ) 5.

*Write the name of a friend you believe to have steadfast and unchanging love in your relationship with him/her. As you think about that person, realize what a blessing you have in that friend.

Obligations of true friends. - Help, Direction, Honesty, Slow to Anger
We may all recall the story of the Good Samaritan. (Luke 10:25-37). This story teaches us that being a neighbor is more than being friendly or being nice. Being a neighbor means being sensitive to others' problems and being willing to help. Anyone who passed by a person in need is not being a good neighbor. You may not feel safe stopping on a lonely highway to help like the Samaritan did, but you can surely go to a phone and let the police know there's someone who needs help. It's even more personal with friends. Do you know anyone who is hurting or has problems. That person is your neighbor. You can be a good Samaritan to him as you "love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18) as God commanded us to do. Being forthright with our friends is an issue which should be easy for the true friends. If it really "bugs" you for your parents to quiz you about your friends, you should pray for God's guidance in this. Your parents want to know your friends in case you ever need a warning which might save your feelings, your reputation, or maybe even your life. Numbers 16:23-24 tells of a warning that God gave the Israelites to "move away the tents of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram" because the earth opened up and swallowed the enemy. Your parents' inquisitiveness is for your own protection. When they advise you to stay away from a prospectively bad situation, stop a minute to listen and obey."(Revised, NIV, Teen Study Bible). This wise move will be the obeying of one of the commandments.

We are obligated as true friends not to lead others into temptations which will harm them. Deuteronomy 13:8 advises, "Do not yield to him or listen to him" (who leads you away from God's will in your life.) Acting on your convictions rather than giving in to peer pressure is tough. But it's an important part of becoming a mature adult and a mature Christian. (Revised, NIV, Teen Study Bible).

The truth will set you free. How many times have we heard this on t.v? 1Kings 22 asks some very vital questions about friendship. "Who is a real friend? Someone who tells you what you want to hear? Or someone who tells you the truth? King Ahab didn't want to hear the truth, 6. so he locked out a prophet of God and invited some prophets of BAAL to speak. When he did finally hear what God's prophet had to say, Ahab learned he was going to die. If only Ahab had listened to God's prophet earlier, he might have been saved. Value friends, who tell you the truth even when it isn't pleasant. Act on what they say, and you may avoid tragedy in your life." (Revised, NIV, Teen Study Bible).

Esther 3:1-6 tells the dangers of a hot, uncontrollable temper. The pagan official Haman was like the key figure here who thought the Jew Mordecai had insulted him, and he held such a grudge that he plotted to wipe out the whole Jewish race. He didn't succeed, but holding that grudge was the sign of a hateful and wicked man. Have you ever noticed that some friends get over being mad at your quickly? Then there are others who get made and hold a grudge for days or weeks. Ask God to help you be slow to anger. Your friendship may be saved because you allowed God to be in control of your actions.

*Write the name/names of friends you feel possess the attributes of Helpfulness, Direction, Honesty, Slowness to Anger. Look at your own personality. Are they also located in your life?

The third kind of friendship is what I refer to as the Ultimate Friend. There is only ONE Ultimate friend and that is Jesus. As a little child, we sing "My best friend is Jesus, Praise Him, Praise Him. My best friend is Jesus Praise Him." What a beautiful song, and what a different world we'd have if everyone found ourselves singing that song each day. There are times when our lives seem to hold a dreary existence, but our Hope is truly built on Jesus' love and righteousness. God made the ultimate sacrifice when He gave us His Son. Jesus came to live the perfect example of love and friendship. He offers us the Peace and the Hope of tomorrow with the Joy to overcome any adversary. He will be steadfast and committed to our salvation through the acceptance of His gift to our lost world.

John 3:16 is the epitome of God's love for us and His attitude toward the bond of friendship. Jesus is our example of the Ultimate Friend. We are never more like Jesus than when we are loving others in His name, and that is goal we should all seek. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life." This is the message of a true friend.

January Meeting Notes compiled by Millie Alford, Ph.D., of Rockwall, Texas